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Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

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Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I am not young enough to know everything.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

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Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

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Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

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I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

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Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

The truth is more important than the facts.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

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Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

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The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

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I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

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If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

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A camel is a horse designed by a committee

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

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UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

I am not young enough to know everything.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I am not young enough to know everything.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

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Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

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I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

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Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

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We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

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It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

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Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

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If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

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There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

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The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

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Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

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The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

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Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.